Read Part 1: What I’ve Learned At 65. Five years on, what I’ve learned… At 70. Featured Image: Photo of the 71-year-old author
Since writing “What I’ve Learned at 65”, I’ve added five more years and learned even more as in:
I’d rather be 65.
I still miss my old job like I miss the flu.
At 70, routine is king.
There’s a big difference between prostate and prostrate.
You spend way too much time on WebMD.
Any hair lost on the head seems to magically reappear on the back.
Bend over slowly or you might not get up.
If you always look up at the stars you may miss the dog poop at your feet.
It’s even odds whether you outlive your new hip.
Wine is now once again only for weekends.
Two beers is a party.
Ageing works for wine and cheese but not necessarily for people.
Thanks to a failing memory, you can save big bucks on movie rentals.
You no longer have to ask for the senior’s discount.
The reason you need lots of fibre is now abundantly clear.
You can sleep sitting up on the sofa.
Making people yell is cheaper than buying a hearing aid.
Friends are always available for breakfast or lunch.
You can have as much spicy food as you like…..once.
Don’t bother taking the stairs.
Using the TV remote is the only workout you need.
For a price, there’s always someone who will do your household chores.
Wrinkles are just wisdom creases.
Your bedtime is earlier than your grandchildren’s.
When a dog barks to be let out, there’s usually a good reason.
Cold water and vinegar can remove dog urine stains from most carpets.
Do not call computer help lines expecting help. If you’re looking for a pleasant, congenial conversation, fine. But if you actually want help, you’re going to have to pay someone.
Usually rebooting the computer will fix the problem.
Duct tape cannot fix all problems. Most, but not all.
Avoid places with blood on the floor.
After 70, no one will ask you to help them move.
You can now probably open your own pharmacy.
You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar but who the hell wants to catch flies?
Dogs make better friends than people.
Grass seed seldom grows.
You can now yell at kids on your lawn guilt-free.
No matter what anyone says, you don’t really need new slippers.
Age is just a number, but it can be a pretty big number.
Getting old is not for sissies.
Remember to read Part 1: What I’ve Learned At 65
Written by David Martin
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David Martin has published several humour collections including “Dare to be Average” and “Screams and Whispers”, all of which are available on Amazon.
Screams & Whispers: 69 humor pieces rejected by The New Yorker
