Long before I set foot onboard Scarlet Lady, it’s clear this isn’t going to be your average cruise.
Scrolling through the itinerary on the Virgin Voyages app (pretty much everything is done via the app), I’m presented with an eclectic mix of activities, ranging from bungee classes and 80s-themed workouts to drag queen bingo and a BDSM workshop.
I also conclude that Virgin Voyages’ marketing department must have an entire team dedicated to puns. The name of the Mexican restaurant in the onboard food court? Let’s Taco Bout It. The gelato stand on deck seven? Lick Me ‘Till…Ice Cream. As I’m reminded several times throughout the trip, “Ship just got real”.
Certainly, ship just got different. In trademark Virgin style, almost every aspect of the cruise experience has been tweaked, jazzed-up and drizzled in double entendre.
For a start, there’s no ship-wide muster drill; instead, passengers watch an MTV-style safety video in their cabins before joining a small group for a quick lifejacket demonstration. There are also no announcements or paper itineraries; each day’s schedule is accessed via the app and displayed on TV screens around the ship.
Say farewell to the all-powerful cruise director; that role has been replaced by an energetic cast of 13 onboard “personalities”, including The Artist, Diva, Foodie and Gamer.
Even the age-old tradition of using port and starboard has been replaced by prefixing cabin numbers with A or Z.
For most of the passengers, sorry “sailors”(as Virgin calls us), onboard, the most welcome change is that it’s adults-only. Of course, Virgin Voyages isn’t the only cruise line that doesn’t allow kids, but I suspect it’s the only one that has a sex therapist and a tattoo parlour.
When I first heard that there’d be a Squid Ink studio on every Virgin Voyages ship, I assumed it was mainly a PR stunt. Surely, no one would actually get a tattoo on a cruise? Well, they do. And lots of them. Along with the private karaoke rooms, it’s one of the first things to book out. One of the artists tells me a female passenger recently spent $US2500 on an elaborate design that took six hours.
Carrying up to 2770 passengers, the ship itself is predictably bright, bold, and social media savvy. Insta hot spots include a glittering mirrored corridor leading to The Manor nightclub, a relaxation net suspended high above the stern and four swings in front of portholes emblazoned with Laugh, Love, Breathe and Live.
Look beyond the bling, though, and you discover a well-designed vessel that’s easy to navigate – an important factor given Scarlet Lady’s Caribbean sojourns out of Miami are relatively short, ranging from four to eight nights, which isn’t a lot of time to get your bearings.
It’s also not a lot of time to experience everything onboard and I soon realise I’m probably not going to make it to sunrise yoga, one of the many college-style sports tournaments (think foosball and dodgeball) and all 20 eateries.
Refreshingly, there’s no surcharge to dine in any of the six specialty restaurants, which range from a Korean BBQ joint and a classy Italian to an experimental test kitchen complete with Heston Blumenthal-style foams and smoke. All turn out to be notable destinations in their own right, with highlights including an innovative breakfast dish of muesli on a slice of frozen watermelon at vegetarian restaurant Razzle Dazzle and an entertaining communal drinking game at lively Korean venue Gunbae. Alcoholic drinks are extra but are reasonably priced with cocktails averaging $US13 and wines starting at $US7.
During this five-night Dominican Daze itinerary, there are only two stops: Puerto Plata in the Dominican Republic and Virgin Voyages’ private beach club on Bimini in the Bahamas (an inclusion on every Caribbean trip).
Excursions at Puerto Plata range from snorkelling and zip-lining to a cooking class and a distillery tour. There are fewer options at Bimini, but most passengers seem happy to relax in the sprawling Ibiza-like beach club, which has two pools, numerous bars and a postcard stretch of fine white sand. Longer itineraries venture further afield, with stops in Mexico, Honduras and Puerto Rico, but most still have several days at sea where the ship will be the main attraction.
On a cruise like this, you’re probably not going to spend a lot of time in your cabin, but there’s still a dizzying range of configurations, from cosy inside solo cabins through to vast Mega RockStar suites with guitars and jacuzzis. My XL Sea Terrace is thoughtfully designed with a spacious bathroom, lots of storage and a balcony with an inviting red hammock.
Splash out on a RockStar suite and you get a slew of additional benefits, including a separate VIP boarding area, priority restaurant bookings and exclusive access to Richard’s Rooftop, a private outdoor space on deck 16 with loungers, hot tubs and a bar.
While the onboard demographic definitely skews younger than your average cruise, with lots of couples and groups in their 30s and 40s, there are also plenty of middle-aged passengers and multi-generational families celebrating milestone birthdays and graduations. Invariably, whenever I ask someone why they chose this trip, the first thing they say is: “No kids”.
I’m one of a smaller number of solo cruisers, some of whom I meet at a mixer session on the first night entitled “Only the Tip(s)”. Hosted by Brisbane-born sociosexual psychologist, Dr Audrey, it’s a fun, tongue-in-cheek ice-breaker that sees us split into pairs to discuss (among other things) our most adventurous sexual encounter. I soon realise I’ve lived a very sheltered life.
Dr Audrey also hosts Never Sleep Alone, an interactive late-night cabaret show that encourages people to embrace their sexuality. Everyone gets a condom and a Carnival-style mask and several people much braver than me end up on stage playing dating games and doing X-rated things to fruit.
If that all sounds like your personal definition of hell, there are lots of other, less risque entertainment options, from Duel Reality, an impressive acrobatic circus act, to Morf, a talented acoustic guitarist from regional Victoria.
Event-wise, the big showstopper is Scarlet Night, a ship-wide activation created by the producer behind immersive New York theatre experience Sleep No More. Themed around an erotic myth involving a sailor and an octopus goddess (naturally), it’s a choose-your-own-adventure affair where everyone is encouraged to wear something red and follow their curiosity. As a result, my night is an entertaining mish-mash of random encounters. At various times I find myself in a congo line behind a sea monster, dancing to high-energy house tunes and lured into a pop-up concert in the ship’s spa. Much like the cruise itself, it’s slick, different and a shipload of fun.
THE DETAILS
CRUISE
Virgin Voyages’ five-night Dominican Daze cruise starts and ends in Miami with stops at Puerto Plata in the Dominican Republic and Bimini in the Bahamas. From December 2023, Scarlet Lady’s sister ship, Resilient Lady, will be based in Melbourne, offering cruises around Australia and NZ
BOOK
Fares start around $US2475 (excluding taxes and fees), twin share, and include basic Wi-Fi, soft drinks, all food, group fitness classes and gratuities. See virginvoyages.com
