Joy might feel unattainable right now, but we should keep it on the radar. Always.
“Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow.” — Steve Jobs’ last words, after looking at each member of his family.
A man wrote to me for help in finding joy.
He’d come out of an episode of depression and — although he experienced brighter moments — joy eluded him. He’d tried a lot of happiness hacks, but he couldn’t get those moments to stick.
He wanted to know if there was anything more, he could do. Was it possible for him — a man who had struggled with depression periodically over many years — to feel prolonged happiness?
Psychologists tend to fence-sit in this scenario. It’s impossible — as well as irresponsible — to forecast the future of someone you’ve never met. And, when you don’t know their story, it might also be a bit mean.
But you can say that everyone is capable of change in a positive direction IF they’re up for it.
And you can offer up some secrets for creating a more joyful life.
Here are mine.
How to Find Joy: 7 Simple Secrets
“Joy has no cost.” — Marianne Williamson, Return to Love.
1. Stop trying to have a happy life.
People often cling to an unrealistic concept of happiness; they make her a “goal” rather than the simple feeling she is. So, when they don’t feel happy, they can get into a downward, even depressive, spiral.
It’s better to think of your life as just a life. Good, fun, exciting — and bad, sad and ugly, too.
Once you switch to a neutral baseline, you are better able to accept and cope with the tough stuff and more open to the wonder.
2. Use mindfulness to spot joy instead.
Joy doesn’t move into our houses and stay there for life. She’ll move in and out at will; sometimes she won’t even pause to put down her bags.
Joy consists of those tiny flash points in which we feel light and free. And those are intertwined with all the stuff that happens as we pass through our lives. So our job is to train ourselves to see and feel it. That’s not always easy, especially if you’ve been depressed. Everyone advocates gratitude (because it works) but this mindfulness exercise is an easier place to start. Sit down every evening and write down three things you saw during the day that made you feel good. Even a tiny beat of pleasure. Start with only things you saw. (Later you can add: heard, tasted, smelled and felt.)
If you’re struggling to think of anything, sit there until you can. If you do this for consecutive days, you’ll find yourself looking for them as you move through your day.
3. Be where your feet are.
“Comparison is the thief of joy,” Theodore Roosevelt said. While that’s true, there’s a bigger thief — distraction. Being present for your activities, your people and your life will 10x your enjoyment of them. Wherever you are— be there.
4. Ban criticism — of others and especially yourself.
One of the hallmarks of depression is to think negatively about (1) ourselves, (2) others and (3) the world generally. The lower we feel, the more this practice tends to escalate. So every time you feel/hear yourself going down this path, call time out and distract yourself with another activity.
5. Do what you know works for YOU.
I’ll spare you the self-care rant but make sure you have the basics covered: eat well, move your body (and get fresh air) and get enough quality sleep.
Beyond that, return to the things you once enjoyed — even if they don’t feel fun at the beginning. Read a novel. Ride your bike. Walk in the bush. Build or craft something. See a rom-com. Listen to music. Make a playlist. Write a poem. Draw cartoons. Sit in a park. Cook a great meal. Mow the lawn. Plant roses.
Keep the time spent on the activity short — but keep doing it. Good feelings follow consistent action.
6. Buff and shine your favourite relationships.
Relationships matter — they can make or break us. So check that your primary relationships are in as good a shape as possible. Think about what you can do to make them better.
If a relationship is distressing, figure out a way to move away from it. And, if you are lonely, acknowledge it, first to yourself. Then to others.
Reach out. Find ways to connect with others — online (safely), in person, even at the supermarket checkout counter. Every little interaction helps.
7. S-t-r-e-t-c-h out your life.
Not lengthwise — most of us don’t have any control over how long we’ve got anyway.
But take the life you are living and make it bigger. Do a little more than you have been, try some new things, go on an adventure, take a risk, even a small one. Being depressed and anxious causes us to close in on ourselves, to make our lives smaller in order to cope.
That can be helpful at first but, ultimately, a small life won’t promote wellbeing. So resolve to stretch out.
To paraphrase author Diane Ackerman, aim to live the width of your life — as well as the length of it.
“Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.” — Dr Seuss.
